Friday, February 24, 2012

I Speak Assholese.

As I recover from my slightly cloudy stoli stupor of last night, I'm reminded of an event yesterday that made me laugh.

One of my co-workers used my catchphrase with another employee in front of me.  It made me feel honored.  How many times a day do you say something that is yours?  If someone else were to use it, you might feel the notion of mockery, but there are those random moments when you know they are saying it out of respect and love.  That happened to me at work yesterday.  It was awesome.

Saturday, the weather was kinda shitty here.  It had started to rain.  It was cold outside and many people were contemplating the idea of snow.  One of the servers, lets call him Shawn Martin, and I were standing outside under the overhang at the front door when the following conversation occurred.   Shawn said, "I can't believe the weather.  I mean its so cold that the rain is gonna become snow."  I said, "Its not cold enough, but might happen."  His response was that "the rain was even turning into a ice-rain rain."  My replay was "Oh, you mean sleet."  He then looked at me with that eye that I've received from just about everybody all the time whenever I talk to them.

(You see, Assholese can not be written.  It is a language that can only be spoken.  Mostly because context and tone are removed in the written form, but very much at play in the verbal arena.  It is mostly a response language.  You can't really start out a conversation with assholese, but you sure as hell can end on with it.  I speak assholese very well.  I mean, very well.)

What I said to Shawn next was very funny.  We both laughed at it and then moved on.  He knew I wasn't meaning to be an asshole.  Fast forward to yesterday and Shawn was having a quick conversation with a co-worker and when it ended, Shawn said something in assholese.  Our co-worker looked at him with that crooked eye and then Shawn said my new catchphrase:

"It's not that I'm an asshole.  It's just that I can't tone down being an asshole."

I paused, turned and looked at him, and then chuckled.  He laughed again. Gave me a fist-bump and then walked away.

I realized that I had made it.  Now I just need to trademark it.  Feel free to use it when you want, but remember to say it with that straight-faced, no smile, slightly unapologetic tone.  That way people get even more thrown off by your justification of using Assholese.

Happy Friday!  Enjoy your weekend!  and Happy Assholing! (wait, that just doesn't sound completely right.)

No comments:

Post a Comment