Tuesday, February 21, 2012

I Have Bum Standards....

After having been harassed the last couple of times out, I have decided to discuss a problem that many aren't aware about....the lack of standards in dealing with bums.  If all bums could be informed of said standards then this problem will be resolved.

It's really simple.  After having lived in Tampa, FL for a while, I had to come up with standards as to who and when bums got money.  See first off, in Tampa, the bums don't walk the streets, they like to hang out on the medians of busy intersections and ask for money with their signs and buckets and such.  You see, not every bum in created equal and not every bum is deserving of my hard earned .15 cents.  The following are the simple rules for "Median Bums"

1.  You better have a tan/sunburn (if you are in Florida).  It's hot as hell out there.  You don't have sunscreen on because that shit ain't cheap when you're in need of water, food, etc.  Plus, if you don't have a sunburn, where the hell are you going to "get away from it all?" Your house?  Next....

2.  You better have a beard.  I'm not sure if you know this, but razor blades ain't cheap.  A pack of 5 is like $20.  Plus, throw in the shaving cream.  Please.  If you have money for razor blades and such, then you don't need my .45 cents to help you get something to eat.  Should have used the money on food and grown out an Amish beard.  Next...

3.  Why the fuck aren't you out here at night?  You're willing to hang out on the block when the sun is out and hot as shit, but where do you go when the sun goes down?  Your house?  You're homeless.  You have no where to go, so you best be out here at night when I'm leaving work.

That's it.  Nothing more.  Nothing less.  If you are outside during bad weather.  I'll give you money straight up.  You might get my umbrella instead of some change.  You won't like it, but at least you'll be dry.

This was brought on by a bum here in Charlotte that completely turned my world upside down.  The following is a true conversation.

scene: outside "patio" area of a bar.  I'm drinking a nice cold stoli and club soda.  A bum approaches me.

Bum: "Hey man, what's up?  Look, I was wondering if you happened to have any change or a couple of bucks.  I'm just trying to get something to eat."

Me:  "Sorry bro, I don't carry cash on me.  Sorry."

Bum:  "That's cool."  long pause.  "Hey look.  If I give you a couple of bucks, would you go inside and get me a drink and sneak it out here for me?"

Me: seriously confused "Um, excuse me? Wait, what?"

Yeah, true story.  Gotta have bum standards.

1 comment:

  1. Bum standards indeed. I'll ask a street bum 20 questions before I give them $1, but I'll drop a $1 as I walk by a street performer every time.