Death by a constant papercut to the brain.

Now that fall is in bloom and things are finding their way back to a sense of order, I guess it's time for me to do the exact same.  With the return of Walking Dead, Modern Family, and Parenthood, I'm happy to have a sense of stability to my autumn.  While I embrace the weekly anticipation of these shows, I find that I have lost my way a bit in the things that I am supposed to be doing.  The biggest of these is to continue to participate in my cousin Amy's book challenge.  Or as I like to call it, "Death by a Constant Paper Cut to the Brain."

During the month of September we were supposed to read "Middlemarch" by George Elliott.  I think I am on page 30 right now.  Luckily I have already read the books for October and November, "Portrait of Dorian Grey" and "Brave New World."  Both of these books are wonderful in their own rights, but I will discuss them on a later day.  I will tell you that I did enjoy the August book and plenty others over that time period.

"The Heart is a Lonely Hunter" by Carson McCullers is a wonderful piece set in a time in which none of us can ever relate to.  It is the story of a deaf mute who lives in a tiny town in the early 30s.  The novel reflects not his journey, but the journey of four distinct individuals from different places through their interactions with him.  At times, I found that I felt a sorrow, not for the mute, but for the others.  Trying to struggle to gain their identity and dealing with the constant changes of self.  It was a wonderfully written piece and I would suggest it to anyone who wants to see a different side of Americana.  There is no drawn out destitution.  Nor is there a glorification of being poor.  It is the story of being from a small town and dealing with life.  I thought it was great and would never have ever read it if it had not been suggested.

"Thunderstruck" is a novel by Erik Larson.  I read "Issac's Storm" a long time ago and thought it was great.  It had the wonderful mix of both history and fiction.  It makes you feel like you are there, even though you are reading a history book.  "Thunderstruck" is the story of a brutal murder in England and the creation of the wireless telegraph by Marconi.  I felt myself feeling more sorry for the "murderers," there is a dispute these days over DNA, than I did for a genius who had trust issues.  I liked it very much, but not as much as "Issac's Storm."  It is nicely written and gives you a real life murder-mystery without some of the literary fluff.

Of course, I read another Agatha Christie mystery novel.  I almost got this one, but still didn't solve it before the end.  I swear I will solve one before the end one day.


I just recently finished a wonderful history book about the blues, Robert Johnson, and the Delta music scene.  "Escaping the Delta: Robert Johnson and the Invention of the Blues," by Elijah Wald is a must read for anyone who professes themselves a music lover, music historian, or blues fan.  I was happy to read something that I was little informed of.  This book goes through the obvious Delta backwoods history of juke joints and smoke-filled bars to the origins of the blues.  Mr. Wald does an excellent job of disassembling the myth of the blues being a "sad" music.  To summarize in my own words: "You can't go to a concert and listen to the blues for 2 plus hours.  No one wants to hear sad songs about the hard times of life for that long."  That's what I thought the blues was and now know it to not be that.  The first half of the book is about different musicians and how they got to where they were.  A short history of the field hollerers and how they affected the Muddy Waters of the day.  A summary of the Chicago, St. Louis, and Dallas "blues" scenes and the effect that the Delta put into them.  The second half of the book reflects back on Robert Johnson's only known recordings.  It is a track by track review and I can't wait to be able to listen to the music more with a better knowledge and heart about it all.  If you love music, if you want to know what a true American music sound is, then this is the book for you to read.  Wonderfully written, real life recollections from the artist themselves, and myth-debunking included.  What more can you ask for from a historical work.

Finally, I think my favorite book I've read over the last two plus months is call "The Poisoner's Handbook."  It is a book about the history of the creation of the toxicology department in the New York City Coroner's department.  Each chapter is titled with a different poison and each chapter follows a progression of the crimes that had to be solved.  Some are famous murders, some are company deaths.  I enjoy reading crime novels that I try to solve before the end.  This book is more like a where the hell did CSI come from meets Agatha Christie history lesson.  Each chapter provides you the details and you get to see how much two men changed the way the world deals with murder.  It is an amazing work and I highly suggest it.  Plus, if you are having issues at work, you can set it down at your desk and many people will stop bothering you.

While the next month or so is going to be spent reading just two books, "Middlemarch" and then "War and Peace," I would suggest the last two to anyone who needs a change of pace in literature.  If you haven't read "Brave New World," then you definitely need to read that too.  While I think my cousin is secretly a literary masochist who likes to induce paper cuts to the brain, I'm happy to take this journey.  It helps to broaden your horizons and standards to learn something new.  If in the end I hate these books, at least I know what to put into the cake I send her.

July Book Review...

Nessun Dorma by Peter Eksell


As the month of July wrapped up, I found myself very, very, very busy at work.  I suffered through another restaurant week and made it out someone sane.  Each night I got home from work, I found myself a little bit happy.  Each night I got home, I found the time to approach something I knew to be satisfying.

That something is Monte Cristo.  When I first found myself staring at Monte Cristo, I knew it was going to take everything I had to finish it.  I knew that it couldn't be done in one sitting, and depending on my energy maybe multiple ones.  So I sat down and got started.  Upon first looks, I told myself that is a big load.  As I started, I realized that it was a little dry.  It needed something, but I just couldn't figure it out.  It wasn't tough.  It was just needing a little something extra.  As I progressed, I found myself enjoying it greatly.  It was very satisfying.  Once I got to the middle I realized that I was in the thick of it.  The only problem was that it was a little too hammed up.  Plus, I found that it was a bit too cheesy for my tastes.  It tending to be overflowing with it and I wish that it was a little better contained.  Once I finally got to the end, I was feeling very satiated.  My only problem was that the end tended to be a bit crusty for my tastes.  I wish it would have been better at the end.  That just would have made it....complete, in my book.  I felt that something was missing.  Something to help you just put it away.  Or wash it down.

I'm happy to say that I did finish it.  Not many people will be able to say that they did, but I did.


I even have a picture for you.



You have to count how much you enjoy it.


This sandwich was freaking awesome.  It's called a Monte Cristo.  When I got done with it, I couldn't help but wonder what else out there could have such an awesome name.  They have a car named the "Monte Carlo" after the city, right?  So why can't they have something else called a "Monte Cristo?"  You know what would be awesome, a book.  I'm sure it would be written by A. Dumass.  Then some genius would decide to make it into a movie.  They would get Jesus and Momento to have some sort of role.  Then they would throw in some wizard to play a small role.  But, alas, this world does not exist.  Or does it......
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Luckily we've been blessed to live in a world were something so wonderful as "The Count of Monte Cristo" has been written.  While many people have read the abridged version, I decided to read the full tome written by Alexandre Dumas.  The full version is about 1600 pages.  It goes on and on and on and on, but I loved it.  In reality, I read this book about a year ago, so I didn't reread it.  I do remember the vast majority of it.  I could give you a run down of all the storylines but I would rather you read it so you can see something so beautiful that your mind doesn't know what to do with itself.  For me, I came into it a bit biased.  One of my favorite movies is "The Count of Monte Cristo," starring Jim Caviezel (he played Jesus in Passion of the Christ) and Guy Pearce (he's the guy from Momento) and Richard Harris (the first Dumbledore).  That movie had me frustrated while reading.  Mainly because I found myself saying, "That's not how the story goes."  Then I would realize that the movie got it wrong.

It's not that the movie got it wrong, it's that they left a lot out.  When I say a lot, I mean A LOT.  There are more interwoven storylines than in all the daytime soaps put together.  That I loved.  The story of Edmund Dantes and Fernand Mondego is not as close as the movie tells you it is.  The book has more involvement with Danglars and Dantes early on than you realize.  I love the fact that Dumas uses the history of his current time in his story.  He allows the reader to feel involved.  To feel that they are taking place in 19th century France.  You see the naiveness of Dantes.  You feel for him when he is taken away.  You are torn in your heart when he goes to a secret prison of the coast of the country. (Wait, that seems a little to modern).  You are saddened when you find him taken from an old man who is to make him boss and a lady who wants nothing more than to be his wife.

He goes to this island prison hell and lives in a state where he leaves God.  That is the part of the book that I found most honest.  At least FOR me, not TO me.  But one day, an old man appears in his cell.  He was trying to dig out and found than he made a wrong turn.  The old man is a priest who has had to live a life in a cell for a horror from his past.  But he knows a secret. A great secret.  The book goes into more detail than the movie ever could.  Dumas makes you feel for the old man, but not for Dantes.  Mostly because Dantes does not see "God's" plan for him.  Eventually Dantes gets out of prison.  I won't tell you how, because you should read the book.  He is rescued by some pirates, saves one of their lives (who in turn becomes his assistant), and runs around the world causing havoc with the pirates.  This part I enjoyed because the movie showed no details of the adventures of Dantes.  Finally, he leaves the pirates and embarks on a journey of the most vicious revenge.  He returns to France and lets out the hell hounds.

Dumas's Dantes is more mysterious.  He carries more intrigue and travels in a different direction than Jesus's Dantes.  This irritated me at first, but soon I came to realize that I liked Dumas's Dantes better.  Mostly because I found that my inner soul side related to him more than my hopeless romantic side did.  Jesus's Dantes makes your heart and soul happy because he finds God again and his reunited with his lost love.  If you saw the movie, then you know what I'm talking about.  Dumas's Dantes is way better.  He goes about his mission to correct wrongs and to punish those that deserve it.  His punishment though is not quick and painless.  He turns the screws slowly so that everything they had dear is turned on them.  He even cares little about the children of his enemies and makes sure they are turned around.  While he doesn't return to his love, he lets her know in his own way who he is.  She realizes it, but knows that her life with him ended years before.  That might have been the hardest thing to swallow (no pun intended) out of the whole thing.  But leading up to that point, I should have known that Dumas would not let that happen.

While the prose and style are not the things I am best at reviewing, this book I truly enjoyed.  While I still love the movie, it can't hold a candle to the original.  The music that you hear at the beginning of this review was the same thing I listened to while I read it.  Every time I hear it, I see the passages in their full majesticness.  I see the details of the ship.  I see the details in the opera house.  I see the hate, hurt, love, pain, joy of all the characters. Mostly of Edmund Dantes.  While a vast wealth can  help you escape from your past, you can never run from the person you've become.  It takes a lot to change, but it is harder to change back to the youthful virginity of bliss and brighteyedness.  I appreciated Dantes for his honesty of self.  He knew that his life could not be complete without a sense of closure, but you cannot have closure if you don't forgive.  That's what they tell you, but Dumas does not allow for that.  He follows the times of the 19th century and plays to the fantasy and romanticism of sailing off to a new start and a closed past.  That might be the truest dream that "The Count of Monte Cristo" provides for all of us.

April's book....Tess of the blah, blah, blahsville

For the month of April, the book challenge was to read "Tess of the Durbervilles."  This book follows in the wonderful line of books that my cousin wants everyone to read so they can hate their lives.

Tess of the...., as I will call it, was written by Thomas Hardy.  It is another in the long line of novels of his that take place in an imaginary country called England.  There, the people live wonderful lives full of excitement, adventure, intrigue, and espionage.  Oh, who the hell are we kidding.  We all know that England is boring as shit, just like Thomas Hardy's book.  I did read one of his other books before, "Jude the Obscure."  I read it because I'm a mental sadomasochist.  I like to stab my brain as much as possible with words all the time.  Hardy's novels are like stabbing your self with a saber non-stop.

The book takes us through the life of the lovely lass named Tess.  She lives in a village where apparently she is the only girl under 40 who happens to have all her teeth, which makes her the most beautiful young lady in 6 surrounding counties. The novel opens with her taking place in the county dance off while her dad, who happens to be drunk, is coming into town with great news: They aren't poor anymore.  Well, they really are still poor, just a quick change of the letters in his name, and boom, he's important.  If it were only that easy.  So he sends he daughter off to live with some total strangers who have the same name as if to help her become a lady who might one day meet a lord.  Yeah right.  You look up some in the phone book with your same last name that lives three cities over and see if they'll take in your kids.  That shit cray.

So anyway.  Tess lives with this old lady who is out to lunch because she 900 years old.  She has a son and he is pursuant of Tess from day 1.  Now these people have the same last name.  I say once again, these people have the same last name.  You figure out what's going to happen in Victorian Arkansas.  Tess spends her time dodging the pursuits of her young admirer, but eventually she submits.  Or at least you are left to think so.  Never does Hardy admit that a) they had sex or b) that she willing gave herself to her man.  So the first section ends.

The second second act starts with her back home at her parents.  But she's different.  All the other girls start to come around to see her, but that's because their trifling, gossipy bitches.  After they've had their fill, the start talking shit behind her back. Then all of the sudden she has a baby.  What!! Where did that shit come from.  Oh, hell naw.  She got forced into sex and had a baby, which then died.  So, Hardy is all about this crazy Arkansas raping storyline.  Whatever.

I got past all that and so did Tess.  She traveled around trying to run from her past, and if you read novels, you know that you can never outrun some juicy ass gossip.  She meets a nice boy, but they don't really talk.  But slowly, and I mean slowly, they start hitting it off.  They get married and Tess decides to tell her secret, against her mother's wishes.  This dude first tells of how he laid with a lady for a day.  Then he decides to disown his new wife because she was "impure."  Hey, asshole, you got the hottest woman in England ever since they put a woman in England.  Get over it, you hypocrite.

Well, then the first boy reappears all saved by Jesus and such.  He then sees Tess, and turns his life upside down.  Aw, shits about to hit the farm house fan.  I'm gonna rush this because it's starting to be as long as the novel.  She ends up in jail for killing her baby daddy who she got back with because her douchbag husband went off to Brazil and returned too late and then she is put to death.  The second guy ends up marrying Tess's younger sister. WTF?!!

All in all, the book was a slow painful death that no one should have to endure.  There was one great, great quote that I use everyday of my life now.  I thought it was pure literary genius in a book full of literary spikes.  I can't remember how it went or what the exact words are.  I tried looking it up, but at some point in the book Alec, the asshole, says: "I have no profession."  I love that shit.  It's a horrible way to wrap up a review of a book, but if you want to know how the end really goes, then read the book.  No really, I'll wait for you to never finish it and then tell me all about it.  I'll wait.

The Bell Jar.....Review

Months and months ago, my lovely cousin Amy started a book reading challenge that I have fallen completely into.  The main reason is that most of the books A) are good, and B) they're not entirely crap.  Which leads me to the March book.

The Bell Jar - by Sylvia Plath

Before I started reading the book, all I knew about this book was that every woman who hates some part of men for whatever tiniest reason known only to themselves, had read this book.  While I know that as a man, I can A) never truly relate to the issues that the book raises and B) anything that I say will probably be regarded as me being a chauvinist pig.  My answer to all that for anyone who might feel that way is get the fuck over it.  That being said, this is my review of The Bell Jar.

The first and wonderful thing that I loved about the novel was the authors ability to transport me from 2012 to the 1960s.  I loved that I felt like I was right there by the characters sides throughout.  As the novel wore on, I realized how much I appreciated the attention to detail in regards to every little thing.  From the streets and offices of New York to the therapist offices and treatment centers.  But not just that, though.  Every little item that stroked a memory in Esther's mind seemed to stroke one in mine.  Now as for Esther, our heroine, she started to bother me about 10 pages in. (This is where I will become a pig, to some).

Maybe it's my upbringing or my youthful adulthood or my own acknowledgement of my personal issues, but all I could think about when thinking about Esther's "issues" was get the fuck over it.  Seriously, get the fuck over it.  I know that you don't recognize your issues until you can move past them, but Esther always had "something."  She was an excellent writer who didn't believe she belonged where she was.  I know she wasn't a whore like her friends.  She wasn't rich like her bitchy friends.  None of us are.  The difference was that those people knew who they were, and she didn't.  I get that.  But seriously, get the fuck over it and move on.

I was personally amazed(?)/appalled(?) by how men treated women in the 1960s when they couldn't handle their shit.  Seriously, who the fuck submits their wives to electrocution?  That shit bothered me a lot.  What type of a man can't deal with their own shit on their own time and help their wife out?  Maybe it's my upbringing.  I don't know.  This book bothered me a lot because all I heard was that little fuck from "Catcher in the Rye" the whole time, just in a female voice.  I guess when you have to deal with social expectations and family/personal ones that are contrary to each other, your life will be crazy.

In these modern times, I see a book of the same material being written would not have the effect it should have.  Maybe it's because more people whine about their lives and many of us are desensitized to it all.  The Bell Jar is a book that should resonate with any young woman, so long as you are upper middle class.  It does matter in the realm of literature history because it was the first major piece, in my opinion, that made every young girl who read it understand that it's okay to say you aren't happy and that you don't need therapy.  It's okay to be lost at times.  It's okay to acknowledge that you have problems. But what is most important, is that you need to get the fuck over it.

If I were to rename the Catcher in the Rye it would most definitely be "White People Problems."  If I were to rename The Bell Jar, it would be "White Women Problems."  Thank you Amy for making me have to read this shit.  My US Women's History professor would be proud.

That is if she were ever happy that a man did anything.

Classics and Cocktails...The Beautiful and The Damned

Even though this review is about 8 days late, I figured I would at least write it.  I actually had read "The Beautiful and The Damned" a long time ago in my late college days.  I was on a kick of reading back then and had already read some other F. Scott Fitzgerald books, so I figured I would read this one.  As I started to read it, I realized how much I didn't recall the material like I thought I would.  That should have been my first sign.  So here is my wonderful review. (PS - All sarcasm will be typed in italics, just so you can read what I think better).


As I began this book, I realized that the title should have been changed from "The Beautiful and The Damned" to "Whoa Is Me: or How Bad It Is To Be Rich and Spoiled in America."  As we are introduced to the novel, we learn that the star of the book is Anthony Patch, the grandson of one of the richest people in America at that time.  We learn that he is a graduate of Haaa-vaaard.  Big effin deal.  He spends his life as young adult partying and boozing and carousing and having a grand time in all the right places in NYC.  His friends seem like they're there because no one else wants to hang out with him.  He never is presented as a douche-bag, but you can surely get the impression that if you met him in real life he would be.  As the story continues, we are introduced to "Beauty."  It somewhat annoyed me how Fitzgerald made her out to be "created from the heavens" and sent to man to torment him.  I saw the story of Gloria has one of a woman who knew what she wanted and wasn't above using it to her advantage to get it.  In other words, she was whoring herself out to get what she wanted without presenting herself as a whore.  She has class.  Whatever.  As the story continues, eventually these two meet and after a back and forth become married.

I know I'm glossing over the courtship, but it simply goes like this - She paid him no attention and he none to her.  Then she wanted attention and he wouldn't provide it.  What a dick.  Then he wanted her attention and she wouldn't provide it.  What a bitch.  Then after a while, they realized they were to be together.  Aww.  How romantic.  You pursue and chase and then spend the rest of the life together resentful of each other.  That in a nutshell is the epitome of their marriage.  The book could have ended after that sentence right there, but nooooo, Fitzgerald is tooo good of a writer to let that happen.

As the story progress, they do resent each other.  One for their beauty, the other for their laziness.  You know its rough being rich.  You have to sit around and do nothing all day while you wait for someone really, really old to die so you can get your money.  As they are squandering their cheese on a house they hate, booze during prohibition, and friends that don't seem to want that life anymore, these two don't learn the lesson of life.  They learn the lesson of the rich.  Which is, "We don't talk to 'those' people anymore."  They don't realize that there is more to life than blowing all your money.  I thought it was funny all the different ways in which Anthony tried to get a living, but then ultimately decided to fuck it.  He did the rich people way, sue the shit out of the person in which the will was written in favor of in order to get his money.  Way to be a class act there buddy.  Don't worry about a job or dignity or class, be a rich asshole instead.

You see, throughout the book we learn that two things are evident.  Anyone who is "Beauty" will never learn to love anyone more than themselves.  Gloria is a self-centered "woman" who is resentful of others who need nothing of her.  She is also resentful of those that want everything of ever.  That is why she loves/hates Anthony.  It's a crazy bi-polar relationship.  Anthony is the portrayer of the "Damned."  He is damned because his life is soooo good that there is nothing for him to do.  Rough life there buddy.  Let's not forget the time in the "military," in which Anthony gets some poor Southern girl, who is "loose," to fall in love with him, because he is such a charmer.  Whatever.  I felt those pages were wasted with a story line that showed little except for the class of the wealthy to feel they could get away with whatever they wanted.

All in all, there were two major things that annoyed the shit out of me in this book.  First off, where does F. Scott get off using the biggest, most per prosperous, high brow words on the planet.  If you want to alienate your readers into believing you are a pompous ass, congratulation you win.  Thank you for making me feel both poor and stupid.  Seriously, did this guy write the book with a thesaurus on hand the whole time.  I sure has hell know he wrote it with a glass in the other hand.  Secondly, why did the end feel so rushed.  Dude, life does not end at effin 30!!!!  He makes his actors pudgy and crow-eyed and depressed and sad about life because they are 28 and 32.  Oh No, Whoa is me.  I'm so effin old now.  My life is over.  Whatever.  I'm 34 and I'm in the best shape of my life.  No grey hairs, no pudgy belly.  Why can't life be over when your 40 instead?  The last section of the book was a joke.  Why was he in a wheelchair?   Seriously, why the fuck was he in a wheelchair?  Who hit him?  When did he fall?

In comparison to the book from January "Anna Karenina," I would recommend this one over the first.  At the same time, if you would love to hear about rich people and their problems during a time in which society was at its lowest, both are wonderful fits for you.  They both present the same ideal.  Rich people have it waaaay rougher than you.  You might be struggling for food and water and a job, but they're out there trying to figure out how to spend Daddy's money and deal with all those engagements and their mistresses and find something to do with their lives, oh you don't know how rough it is out there.



In other words, from the great thespian Sean Connery:

Now where's that book about the woman who's soooo depressed.

Classic and Cocktails..."The Bell Jar" Cocktail

If you haven't been joining us for 12 for 2012, then you should.  If you have, then you know all about the "Classics and Cocktails" campaign that my cousin Amy has started.  She is the President of Literature while I am the Vice President of Cocktails.  It's a hard job, but somebody has to come up with themed drinks for 100 year old books.

While many of you might have already finished the book for March, "The Bell Jar" by Sylvia Plath, I have been busy testing and trying the drinks that will fit the mood of the book.  While I haven't read the book yet, I will tell you that I think I've found success for your book matching drink.  It took many stumbling nights home to find it, but I think I've got it.  Let me tell you, drink enough and you might go crazy.

If you had a good time reading "The Beautiful and The Damned," then you might have some gin leftover in your bathtub.  If not, then it's time to hit the local liquor store.  You're gonna need more gin, I can tell you that.  This drink also includes Luxardo Maraschino, Peychaud's Bitters, muddled maraschino cherries and some lemon.  I can guarantee this, when this lovely year of reading is over, not only will your bookcase be stocked, but so will you liquor cabinet.  Some of this you won't drink again until you're about 60.  Mostly, because some of these products are for old people drinks.  Also, some of them can be used for "sophisticated cocktails," for when you feel like snubbing your nose and being all hoighty-toighty.

Courtesy of my friend Andy at Soul Gastrolounge in Charlotte, NC, this is the U Soul Crazy.

2 oz of Tanqueray Gin
1/4 oz of Luxardo Maraschino
1 Dash of Peychaud's Bitters
5 Maraschino Cherries
2 Lemon wedges

Put a cocktail shaker in ice and chill it.  Take out the shaker and then add the Maraschino cherries, 1 dash of bitters, and 1 lemon wedge and muddle in the bottom of a cocktail shaker.  Then add the gin and the luxardo and a scoop of ice.  Shake and strain into a martini glass.  Add the extra lemon wedge as garnish.  It might take a moment for the flavor to get to you.  If you feel brave, or a little extra crazy, then make with two dashes of bitters.  Here's a picture of the end result.  Hope you enjoy.  See you in the psycho ward soon.