Tuesday, May 29, 2012

How to Blow it all...

While I wait patiently for my "estate" money to come in the mail, because one of my lovely family members forgot how the mail works, I have decided to start a list of all the things I plan to do with my money.  It is a lot of pressure to find the things to properly purchase while also blowing through it like Motley Crue blows through hookers and blow.  I have finally come through with a worth while list.

1.  I'm buying a new suit for work.  Mostly because I need one.  I could go shopping and get a cheaper two piece separate from Bananananana Republic, but I'm a snob.  I found an awesome Paul Smith suit marked down for about $600.  Yes, I said marked down for $600.  It's worth it and me and my mustache are going to looking extra sharp in it.

2.  Next, I'm spending about another $700 on a couple pairs of dress shoes.  I like to look good and dammit, if the shoes gotta make daddy shine. You don't put a Walmart frame on a Monet do you?  Didn't think so.  I can't wait to shine in these.

3.  I'm starting a line of creepy mustache t-shirts.  Yes I said creepy mustache tees.  In order to do this, I will have to obviously start a web-site and get in with a screen printer and buy the name rights and LLC the company and all that jazz.  But when it's up and running, everyone will be up and running.  Away from me as fast as possible.  I said a long time ago that I live out on the edge.  When you live there, you also think about the wrong, sad things that can make you some money.  This is that.  When I get it running, you will want one.  I promise.  If not, I'll come out of my white, windowless van and make you buy a shirt.

4.  Next, I'm going to create the website for my cousin Amy's "Bad Boyfriend Jesus" and my "Douchebag Jesus" cartoons.  It is the most genius thing to possible come from two people who have a lot of time, a little bit of issues with people, and a perverse sense of humor.  While I'm not much of an artist, it's high time I learn to be one.  It will take time, but oh man this is going to be bad.  If you thought "Dogma" got the church all hot and bothered, let me tell you something.  I'm gonna have them sweating like their watching a boy scout troop at a pool party.

5.  Next, well after that I don't know.  I was thinking of doing some travelling.  It would be good for me to see my family in both Oregon and Mississippi.  It's been a long time since I've been down farther south (I live in North Carolina), so I need to make a trip.

6. I also need to make a trip to Tampa, FL.  There are too many people there to name that I need to see and hug and cry and kiss and drink and party and relax and bullshit and just talk to.  A return to ODS as well as the Taco Bus is most definitely in order.

7.  After all of that, who knows.  Maybe save it (like my Dad would tell me to do).  Maybe save it for a short term and then take some time to go to Europe and just live life.  Maybe save it and travel around the US for a bit.  Maybe I could move to Portland and start new.

8.  I'm going to actually start writing this book idea I have.  I don't need the money to do that, but I need the motivation to write at least 4 pages front and back each day.  When it's finished and published and changing the world, then I move.  And find some socialite to date who wants to upset her daddy by dating a writer and a ginger.

It's a big world out there and I need to see it.  What I need most though is for someone to learn how to use a stupid effin' stamp.